I’ve had a couple days of being generally happy, and it’s been extraordinarily sweet and lovely. The first in what feels like forever (really, it’s probably only been a couple of months). Still, there’s this voice in the back of my head telling me “you’re not completely better though, this will not last, your thoughts and emotions are going to crash against each other again, don’t kid yourself, be prepared, blah..blah..blah…” I hate that voice. Hate it with the fire of a thousand blazing suns. I just want to enjoy this happy feeling, want to enjoy feeling stable and not overwhelmed by my own viciously oscillating emotions and thoughts. I want to enjoy feeling good..
So. Here’s the thing:
Some days are so much easier than others. Some days, I feel like I really have my sh** together, I feel free and uplifted, and that heaviness I feel in my chest is lighter and, sometimes, almost weightless. There’s no real reason that I can think of for when I have these “moments of clarity,” where I can see my life and the world around me without the dark, grey, hazy goggles I have on every other day. It just happens, and I’m grateful. I’ve dealt with BPD, depression, and anxiety long enough to not jump to the conclusion of “Hey, this must mean that I’m all better! Woohoo! No more work to be done, no more therapy, no more hurting, no more confusion, no more fear, no more pressure…” Because, let’s be real, there is no miracle cure, and I will not just wake up one day all healed inside and out, without making any effort.
However, I don’t want to toss aside days like this trembling in fear of what may or may not be the inevitable return to what I refer to as “the dark twisties” or “the bad place.” That would be like being upset during your vacation because you know that at some point, you’re going home and back to the real world. (It’s funny I use that example, because I’ve definitely completely f***ed up the last day of vacation(s) before for that very same, exact reason. oops.) And sometimes, the thought crosses my mind that I don’t deserve to feel these light-hearted feelings. Guilt enters, and then, surely and swiftly, I find my way straight back into the very storm I was momentarily relieved of.
SO TODAY. Today, I say…. f*** it. F*** that voice, f*** feeling like sh**, f*** tomorrow and f*** yesterday. If I want to smile today, I’m just going to do it, damn it!
I guess this blog entry basically has no meaning, and I’m sorry if it was a waste of your time reading it, if it wasn’t helpful or informative, if it wasn’t even mildly interesting.
But it felt good to me. It felt nice to be able to write something when I’m not feeling horribly awful and tightly pretzeled up inside. To not feel ashamed that I’m feeling nice and warm.
And I don’t know, if you are having a bad day, or if you’re having a good day, I really just want to say that… you know, there’s a whole community of us out there, people looking to understand and to be understood. Hugs, y’all. Hugs.