I think it’s been something like, oh, two or three weeks since I published a post, which isn’t really what I was going for when I started this blog. Initially, I just wanted a free space to work through my own thoughts and feelings, whether they were negative or positive, logical or not. I wanted to allow myself a place to write out everything I want to say and explain about BPD, the things that I would like to be able to tell people from my past, present, and future about the disorder and how it has affected me. This was meant to be a space where I could just write, vent, jump for joy, feel crazy, tell people the things I keep inside, let out the sides of myself that I only (sadly/begrudgingly) reveal to the very special/unfortunate few.
Then a funny thing happened. I showed the blog to a couple of friends. I put the link in my facebook profile. I wrote what I would call a “happy” or “positive” post. And then I just could not use this as the outlet I so desired. I started to feel as though… now I HAD to put a positive spin on what I wrote. I HAD to contribute something meaningful to the blog/wordpress/internet community. I felt worried about how people would react if I posted the things I felt when I was in the “dark and twisty place.” If they’d think that I was exaggerating, or being melodramatic, or attention-seeking. And I couldn’t write anymore.
As of this moment in time, I have about 8 drafts saved, poems or just posts that I have started and discontinued at different times for different reasons. And for the past week or so, I have really needed… an outlet. It hasn’t been pretty. In fact, I’ve had some awful moments. I’m feeling better now, but I definitely need to work through quite a bit of shit. And that’s what I created this blog for…for ME. Me, whether I’m feeling happy or sad, me, whether I’m experiencing desires for self-harm, or euphoric. All layers and levels and scopes of who I am, regardless of who reads this, who sees it, likes it, hates it, is scared of me or scared for me because of it…this blog is for me. I have to remember. I think it’s a big step to try to, well, accept, understand, and love myself. Hah it took me so long to write those last two words.
So I’m not going to apologize, and I’m going to TRY really freaking hard to not censor myself anymore, but allow myself the freedom to post whenever and whatever I feel like posting.
And so then, I’ll try to start again. Right now. Today. Or maybe tomorrow, who knows? ;p.
Sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I feel stable and grounded, but then other times I feel completely insane and unhinged. Sometimes I look forward to tomorrow, and other times I look forward to the day when there is no tomorrow. And you know what? That’s okay.