I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will always feel this way. I’m afraid that achieving a normal level of functionality will always be difficult for me. I’m afraid I will always have to deal with this shit. I can’t focus on anything right now. I just feel… I feel anxious. Warm. Tight in my chest. I feel like with each breath I’m only getting 30% of what I actually need to take in. I’m scared. I’m worried, I’m overwhelmed. I can’t function right now. I feel dizzy, light-headed. It’s all in my head, maybe that’s why.
I want to do something, I want to give in to my impulses. I want to drive fast and drink hard. I want to have interesting conversations with strangers I will never see again just so that I don’t have to be alone with my mind. I want the music to be loud, so loud that I can’t feel anything but the rhythmic pulses vibrating through my bones. I want to feel something physical, something rough, something painful. Physical pain has always been so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. If only my emotional tolerance were as high as my pain tolerance.
There’s no music that I want to listen to right now and that’s a problem. Nothing to calm me down. I’m anxious. I’m so anxious and I can’t breathe. There’s nothing concrete to this, no concrete reason, nothing. There is just that tearing inside, that feeling of being so god damn heavy. This isn’t the weight of the world, this is the weight of tons of thousands of mood memories plunging me headfirst into icy cold water.
Sometimes the anxiety feels like a restlessness within me. Like no matter what I do, I can’t seem to calm the ramblings of my mind.
I wonder sometimes what it looks like inside my head. If someone were to paint the colors, what would it be overly saturated with?
Where am I and what’s happening to me? Why does it always roll around back to this place? When will it ever end?